Fighting the Blues

I went on my first real job interview in almost 24 years. I would probably have received an offer, but it was a job that I would have been going to every day with tears and an upset stomach. It's not a bad job, it's just a bad job for me.

I will be taking a temporary job, not paying enough but it pays more than unemployment. So I can be underemployed. But at least I have a place to go to in the morning. I'm hoping that helps my outlook. I am starting to feel myself get a bit depressed. I really hate this. I really wanted to be at my last job until I retired. I loved the work.

So I'm starting this temporary job Wednesday. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping just having a place to go to every day will help my attitude. And I'll still keep sending out those resumes. That job is out there for me. I hope.

Wonderful Women

I had my book club the other night, and I wasn't sure I was going to go. I've been a bit depressed about losing my job, I didn't want to cry in front of these women, the meeting is pretty far away, and I didn't read the book. But having been inside the house all day sending out resumes, I needed to get out. So go I did.

These women are high-powered and smart--really, really smart. The smartest people I know. They are very successful in their careers, and I am feeling a bit like a failure (even though I know I'm not). The people who read the book talked about it for a few minutes, and then we all talked about life. I did cry in front of these women, but all I felt was love from them. They are as supportive as they are smart. And then we laughed about a ton of things: our kids, our jobs (or lack thereof), ourselves. And we ate good Thai food.

I am so grateful for these women. They are worth the very long drive to see them.

Fixing My Mind

So, here's the deal. I'm sick of feeling sad and mad and bitter. I am doing what I need to do to find that next job; I spend time every day looking for jobs and sending resumes. That helps me feel more in control of my future, but I haven't been able to break out of the bad feelings.

Last week, I met with some editors and art directors who were also released from the same company. I left angry at myself for still feeling so angry. I have let my anger control some of my behavior; I don't like how much I've been cursing. Now, I don't have the cleanest mouth ever, but I do try to keep it under control. I have not been under control lately, and I am ashamed of myself. (I'm not going to beat myself up about it, I just want to change it.)

Because of all this, I think it's time for me to start remembering that I have much to be grateful for. Here's a partial gratitude list.

1. Cubby Bear, my dog, is the cutest, funniest dog ever. She makes me laugh every day.

2. I have a roof over my head, and I'm not in danger of losing my house. Many people in my situation have it much worse than I do.

3. My son is a delight. He is smart (but doesn't work as hard as he should), he is understanding of this situation we are dealing with (which may mean junior college his first year), and he is the light of my life.

4. My husband is a supportive, wonderful man. I'm lucky to have him.

Missing Work

One of the hardest things about unemployment is not having a place to go in the morning. I was surprised to feel this way because I hate, hate, hate getting up in the morning. But I hate this even more.

Some days I feel okay with being let go, and some days I just feel stuck. I get my computer running, look at all the jobs sites and e-mails I've received and send out those resumes. Some days I get my computer running, and I just can't seem to do anything productive. Some days I feel able to tailor my resume and cover letter to the jobs available, some days I think I can't do any job except the exact one I did.

If I have to, I can do freelance work. But I really need the collaborative environment that a company provides; it's where I am inspired by the creativity of others, where I learn and grow and do my best work. I've only been unemployed for, technically, since Monday, but it feels like forever. So I know I need to learn some patience, but that's not something I'm really good at (just ask my son).

Well, I'll just keep plodding for now.

Stopping and Restarting

I obviously wasn't able to overcome my fear and write on this blog. But I hope to restart, and I need to just write. I had plans on writing about experiencing this last year with my son, who should be going off to college this fall. He will go to college still, but unfortunately, it may be community college.

After 23 years, 10 months, I was laid off from my job as a senior editor because the company is having financial difficulties. While I think my layoff was shortsighted, it was their decision to make. That doesn't mean I'm not angry, because I am. I'm angry they didn't value my department (which in essence they killed off) and my work. The company sent out a memo after this round of layoffs thanking the remaining people for their continuing loyalty. I think this may make me most angry. Loyalty is not usually a one-way street.

But enough about them. I think right now this blog will be about trying to redefining myself in the job market. I love editing, I love working with words, I love creating a book or magazine with other creative people. It is my life's blood. It makes me happy.

I'm pretty old, and looking for a new job is scary. And I haven't done it for almost 24 years! I don't want to be judged by my age, but I know it will happen. So much to think about, so much to write about.

I will be trying to write blog posts more frequently. If nothing else, it's practice writing and killing some fear while I'm at it.

Stop the Fear

I'm scared. I've had this blog for over a week, and I've been courageous enough to write 2 posts. But, yeah, there's that big but (not butt--watch it, buddy!). I still haven't told anyone--no one, not one single person--that I've started this blog. Here's my vow. After I finish writing this, I'm going to go on Twitter, and I'm going to tell some really smart, funny, incredible people that I started this blog. I think.

Okay, here I go. Yeah, really. I'm gonna do it. Dare me! Okay, I'll meet that dare. See you on the other side of Twitter. Ugh. I think.

So Much to Think About

 I want to believe that my God is the God of love and acceptance--not hatred and bigotry. Maybe I'll get to heaven, and God will sit me down and tell me I was wrong. Maybe God does think being gay is wrong. But maybe I'm right, and he thinks all love is acceptable love--whether is it between a man and a woman or a man and a man (or a woman and a woman). He created love--how can he condemn love between any two people? Love is holy.

With the rash of gay-bashing and young gay suicides lately, my heart breaks. I believe Jesus came for us all--he didn't sit with the rich and powerful, the socially acceptable. He sat with the tax collectors, the outcasts, and the children--those deemed not as important. He told us we were all important--there was no less than in his eye.

I want my son to grow up in a world that sees all people as valuable and deserving of respect. That means all people: men, women, Christians, Muslims, Jews, gays, lesbians, blacks, whites, asians, latinos, just everyone.

I'm not saying anything novel or earth-shattering. It's all been said far better by more eloquent people.  So why even write this? Because I want people to know that there are plenty of  Christians who believe that our God is a God of  love and acceptance. And that liberal and Christian aren't opposite terms--in fact, Jesus was a radical liberal of his day.